When Wadeed held a round-table discussion with teens recently, he got some very real feedback. One boy said, “I love my dog so much. He misses me. He appreciates me. Biyhassisni bi kayani. He makes me feel important.” Why did this boy love his dog? Dogs are genuine, sincere,
and love unconditionally. The fact is, many teenagers are closer to their friends and their pets than their parents and siblings. It’s a case of ‘living like strangers under one roof.’ “This phenomenon is in most houses. It’s widespread,” says Wadeed. Read on to find out how you can get closer to your teen.
Change Yourself
Make positive changes in your approach. Parents often blame their teens for being troublemakers, for not talking to them and for disrespecting them. But Wadeed explains that instead of blaming kids, parents are the ones who need to change. He advises, instead of asking, “Why is my teen doing this?” ask, “What did I do to make my child act this way?” Kids start creating their own identity at age 14 or 15 and “make parents pay back,” says Wadeed, for how they acted when kids were young. So if you didn’t listen to your children when they were small, they’re not going to listen to what you have to say now. Don’t blame yourself, advises Wadeed. Just realize this and put more positive effort from now on. Approach your child with love and acceptance, not rejection, force, or blaming. “It’s up to you to shift your paradigm,” says Wadeed. “Instead of pointing your finger [in blame], take your child’s hand and pull him up.”
Build Love
Loving unconditionally is the basis of positive parenting, says Wadeed. Always accept children as people, for their humanity, no matter what they say or do. Disagree with their actions or words, but never act as though you reject the children themselves. So whether your child gets 0 or 100 percent on his exam, express that you love him anyway. Calmly discuss what happened on the exam, and at the same time let your child know you love him or her no matter what happens. Wadeed advises that your goal is for your child to “love you and love what is right, not to fear you and do what is right without loving it.” A person who loves what is right is motivated to do what is right atall times, even when parents are not there. This is much more effective than getting children to obey out of fear.
Don’t Use Force
Parents often over-abuse their power and authority. Make the trend in your household that children are respected and discuss matters with them rather than issuing orders all the time. Use authority sparingly so it is really effective when you do. “Do not plant the idea that the strong one wins,” advises Wadeed, because once they grow into teenagers, they will become stronger and you won’t win. As a matter of fact you will pay the price. Also think about whether your expectations are realistic. “Let’s review our standards. Is what I’m asking doable?” says Wadeed. He points out there should be more to life for kids than school, study, and sleep.
Trust and Feeling Safe
Kids want to feel that they can express themselves and trust their parents enough to tell them anything. They want to know that we truly want to understand them, and that we aren’t just investigating about them. They won’t talk to us if they don’t feel accepted and safe. So approach children with love and gentleness (rather than force, blame and judgment). “The most important ingredient we put into any relationship is not what we say or what we do, but who we are,” says author Stephen R. Covey.
Gentle Spirit
According to Wadeed, the best approach with kids is to be loving, open, and honest. “What is lighter, what is softer, what is freer?” said Milton Traeger, the founder of a mind-body therapy. This also describes the approach to take when talking to teens. This spirit must come from the inside out, Wadeed emphasizes. Only 7 to 10 percent of communication is our words. The rest is facial expressions and body language. So really look into your child’s eyes and show your spirit of compassion on your face, Wadeed advises. Don’t punish your child with “Wish el-gibs, an emotionless face.” Kids are noteasily fooled. Even if your words are kind and understanding, if your facial expression isn’t, they will be able to tell.
Discuss Openly
Instead of lecturing kids, ask for their opinion, Wadeed advises. Then gently give your point of view and discuss it. Don’t impose your point of view. Ask open-ended questions, not to investigate, but to understand and give empathy. An open-ended question cannot be answered with just yes or no, it needs a longer explanation from your teen. For example, “Do you smoke? Do your friends smoke?” are closed questions with a yes or no answer that won’t lead to any understanding of your teen’s view. “What do you think of smoking?” is an openended question that gives your teen the chance to express him or herself. You can then give your point of view and surf the net together to look up the dangers of smoking.
Belonging
We all have a deep need to belong to a group of people, says Wadeed. If teens don’t feel they belong to their family, they will follow their friends. Often teens get into trouble – smoking, drugs, boy/girl relationships – mainly to belong with their friends, rather than because they agree with their behavior. Kids need to feel free to be themselves in our presence, feel unity within their family, and feel respect and understanding. Once this need for belonging is met in the family, kids can think and talk rationally about anything.
Give and Take
“You are the adult. Your relationship with your child has to be ‘give and take,’” says Wadeed. He explains if parents want to take respect from their children, they must to be willing to give patience, unconditional love, and have calm discussions with open-ended questions. In other words, you are the adult, so be the mature one with your words and actions.
Give it Time
Know that it will take time to connect with your teen and strengthen your relationship. “It could take a year or two,” says Wadeed. Give up some results in the short term, so you can build your child’s love for you and for what’s right in life. “So it could take two years of bad grades and then you’ll have Ahmed Zuweil. What’s more important your son or the grades?” says Wadeed. Above all, remember that any problem is fixable with time, he adds. So never despair, always keep your hope.
Being versus Doing
*Concentrate on your child’s “being,” his values and character, versus just “doing” duties to obey you, advises Wadeed. *Instill a love of knowledge and learning (being)… instead of making your child study just to get good grades (doing). *Instill generosity in sharing food with others (being)… instead of nagging your child to eat (doing). *Instill teamwork and cooperation (being)… instead of just taking your child to sports practice (doing).
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