“When I was getting married, the most important thing for me was idyllic love… This was to be my perfect, fairy tale ending,” says Hoda.
After sixteen years of marriage, Hoda is wiser from her experience. “Love is very important, but it’s not sufficient for a relationship to endure,” she says now. “If you are going to depend on love, then you
should know that it needs daily renewal… You have to make sure on a daily basis that feelings are unchanged, devotion is in some way expressed, and problems aren’t slowly creeping up on you. That is easier said than done, of course, and it takes two.”
Did you know what to expect from marriage? Or were you a bit disillusioned that you didn’t simply “live happily ever after” like in the fairy tales?
The reality of marriage presents many challenges, but you can create a good life together if you know what to expect and how to handle it. Below, a psychiatrist and experienced wives give us the inside story.
You are two very different people and that’s okay
Dr. Aly Mokhtar advises married people to realize that, “My husband or wife is very close to me, but definitely an individual. Differences are an essential part of a relationship,” he explains.
Leena admits that when she first got married, she thought that all people were essentially the same. She was surprised to discover that the man she had fallen in love with differed from her on many issues, big and small. For example, he is an early riser, while she doesn’t like to be disturbed in the morning; he doesn’t mind if the house is messy, and she likes it neat.
Leena’s first reaction was to be judgmental of her husband and try to change him. “You always go in [to marriage] thinking, ‘This is my way, and this is the right way,’” she points out.
After being married for 20 years, Leena has learned that it’s very important to try and see your partner’s perspective, and that her husband’s style can be equally as good as hers. “Don’t try to make the other person like you. Celebrate the differences,” she advises.
Hoda agrees, “Don’t expect that the way you did things at home is the ONLY way… Consider marriage a time to step into other people’s shoes and to explore alternatives to even the most taken for granted things.”
Dr. Mokhtar explains that many married people either avoid discussing their differences or see them as a source of conflict. But what couples should do instead, is invest time and effort in really trying to understand each other. That means more than just passively accepting your partner’s point of view; it means allowing yourself to experience life from his perspective.
Dr. Mokhtar notes that “celebrating the differences” is a wonderful way to look at your relationship, but points out that it usually takes several years to reach that point. So be patient.
Conflicts are natural
While many couples find it upsetting to disagree, it is normal and can actually be good for your relationship. “Conflicts are natural,” says Dr. Mokhtar, noting that couples should not consider disagreements a disaster.
“To have a passionate reaction actually reflects the depth and strength of the emotions,” says Dr. Mokhtar. “Arguments are a healthy way of ventilating feelings and expressing them,” he adds.
“You should expect to have arguments. They are part of learning how to communicate,” confirms Dalia, who has been married for 15 years. She feels that arguments can be very healthy if you really listen to each other, because you learn more about each other’s point of view.
Dalia describes a healthy argument as “more like a conversation where people are expressing different opinions. You can differ but there’s a level of respect you maintain. I think arguments are an important part of how you get to know the person. You work on how you argue and how you listen. As you understand each other more, you argue less and less,” she says.
Dr. Mokhtar cautions partners not to simply dismiss their spouse’s view without really trying to understand it or reach a resolution. “Stop this attitude of ‘me versus the other,’ or ‘I’m right and the other is wrong,’” Dr. Mokhtar advises.
Instead of trying to win the argument for yourself, you should aim for the marriage to win. “When two individuals have committed themselves to each other, this bond could often benefit, even when one person ‘wins’ and one person ‘loses.’ The relationship is a bigger entity than either one of the two [partners],” Dr. Mokhtar explains.
You can’t change a person’s character
If you are hoping to solve problems by changing a character trait of your spouse’s, forget it. Our experts say it’s not going to happen.
“People do change, but not that much,” says Leena. “Expecting to make the person you’re married to change is iffy,” says Amel, a mother of three.
“Don’t think you can change someone,” advises Dalia. “They are not going to be flawless, but the flaws are things you can learn to live with,” she says.
Dr. Mokhtar agrees, “You cannot change the personality much.” He says that when you get to the point when you are “celebrating the differences,” you will be proud of your spouse as he is. So if your husband is essentially an introvert, you won’t expect him to be the life of the party. Rather, “you will be proud that he appears to be composed and wise at social gatherings,” says Dr. Mokhtar.
He notes that while you can’t change your partner’s character, over time, you can change habits, or what he describes as “the many trivialities that could be quite annoying. “Through love, compassion and mutual interaction, a lot of habits could change,” Dr. Mokhtar says.
“When you’re getting along, you make little adjustments for each other,” says Dalia. For example, while growing up, she had always slept with the air conditioner on while her husband never did. When they got married, each tried the other’s way, and now Dalia says they both can sleep with the air conditioner or without it.
Don’t expect your partner to make you happy
“It’s a realistic expectation that you should be able to get something out of the relationship. It’s a bond that both of [you] will work to develop,” says Dr. Mokhtar. But he adds that thinking it is your partner’s responsibility to make you happy is not the right way to look at the issue of happiness.
The wives we spoke to noted that it’s important to be happy as an individual. Don’t expect your marriage or your husband to do that for you. “Looking for someone to fill an empty spot in your life is not realistic. You have to find your own things to live for,” says Amel.
Dalia agrees, “It’s not realistic to expect that you’re going to get married and the other person will be there to make you happy. You have to be happy anyway… Have things that you enjoy. You’re not going to rely on someone else to entertain you… Create the balance between having your own interests and making the best of your time together [as a couple],” she advises.
The women also note that it’s natural that you won’t spend as much fun time together when you’re married as you did when you were engaged. That is because you both have more responsibilities now. Dr. Mokhtar notes with regards to enjoying your time together and sustaining a successful marriage, “It’s very important that you have shared family activities and have common friends.”
He also encourages married people to look at their life together as a package of many things, and to accept the whole package.
“Marriage is a life experience. It has happy moments, sad moments, conflicts and resolution of conflicts, a bond, fear of breaking the bond, dependency, insecurity… It is such a mixture. It actually entails all of what life means,” says Dr. Mokhtar.
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